WHAM AM I DOING?

im infected by ernie!! haha.. listening to Through the Rain really makes me sensitive.. lolz.

yeah... it gives me an urge to write something..

Good job mariah carey and .. ernie loo.. haha..

yeah.. spm is over.. i thought i would write this long long time ago.. yet things go unexpectedly!

i dun have my kl trip due to some reasons..

i dun have the urge to read the novels..

i dun have the feeling to write my blog.

i dun go gathering everyday..

but

i play the sims3

i watch glee

i watch japanese drama ( the romance that make you sob uncontrollably..)

MAYbe I AM GETTING KINDA RETARDED...

thats stupid... i cant leave myself unoccupied!! whenever im free, some spm questions pop out in my mind.. why dun i study it carefully? why did i watch TV a day before? what am i doing during the exam? GOD!! ITs torturing!!!!

Random

i thought i would have so many things to pour out after such a long time being disconnected yet, my mind just simply went blank when i started to write this..

its already 12am and i should have gone bed but miraculously, i stay awake until now! after tuition after tuition, there is not much time left... however, i still have time to on my facebook and blog.. yeah..

now, we had moved to dewan makan to have our P&P... it was good to have everybody around and started to chit-chat and of course, played our favourite game! TRUE OR DARE!
it just makes me to think about the time when we are in Form 3.. everyone is busy preparing for the pmr, aiming to get strings of As ..
time flies and now its already Form , preparing for the last exam we have in secondary school, and at the same time, the last one we will have together....
no more comparing, no more complaining and last but not least, no more jealousy...

i never intended to compare my result or trying to insult others' who fail to perform well in their exams... or honestly, i dun really bother other's result as i would take it as none of my business... yes, i would ask about others too, only those i think their result would be okay and never try to ask those whose face is written " dun ask for my result" .. nevertheless, somebody will just take our normal jokes as showing off, that really puzzles me , since long long ago.. yet they never show it..
of course, its hard to avoid jealousy but still, it is surprising to know that, even though they are close to you, would think the same too..

i will never let you know, why am i emoing...

the things that you will never know!

Unveiling

the air is saturated,
with the mirage everywhere,
i'm suffocating under it,
being confused by the surroundings,
which is the object,
which is the image.

still,
the hallucination,
brings me ectasy,
i just love the way you lie,
love the way i lie.

Birthday with a broken heart..

the weather is ok today

but not the world within somewhere else in my heart.
i tried to devour every word in the book
but they too show me a sullen face
listening to the song, im brought to a nostalgic lane ..

i thought im the heaven,
surrounded by the assaults of the hell fire,
i just knew that i was flung into the deepest hell
by he and she ..
i thought we can have fun together,
at least for this last year, this last day, this last outing we are out together
in this special day,
i have the greatest hope that, everybody is happy beside me
but, it turned out that all .. are only the hallucination of my dream,
not even a scintilla of truth

the rain came pouring down,
im soaked in it..
no one reaches out his hand
except for him ..
the freeze comes surging in,
i can't actually distinguish which one is my tear, which want is the raindrop
most importantly,
im able to wipe them all
and stand up all by myself
and go on..




and spot a silver lining when i look up heavenwards...

I am touched!!

guess what?
i had been imagined my life in college since Form 4..
but now?
I DONT FEEL LIKE I WANNA GO TO ANYWHERE ANYMORE!

if i enter college then i have to part with the sweetest, cutest, loveliest friends ever in the earth!
how sad is this? lolx...
meaning that
1. no more gossip together during the time when teacher is absent.
2. no more the scene we chat together during recess
3. no more chatting in the class during teacher teaching in front ( chris does it all the time xD)
4. no more complaining during the assembly in the hall that require us to stand for hours
5. no more complaining about our results after each exam
6. no more latest news about someone's crush
7. no more news after each tuition class.
8. no more flirting in the conversation.
9. no more stupid nonsense things in the conversation
10. no more the trip to the restaurant together
11. no more argument when carrying out something
12. no more the scene of everybody striking hard for exam
13. no more gathering together in pizza hut and KFC
14. no more crazy snapshots each time when someone brings a camera
15. no more sleepover in someone's house

oh dear! i couldnt imagine my life without it!

Continue...
F5 - a extremely cool party holding by a gang of extraordinary cute buddies!
the nicest ever party that moved my heart!
if you guys are more serious, i will cry my eyes out!
you guys are so sweet! love you guy so so SO MUCH....
i hope that 2ndary school never ends....
this is where i find a bunch of friends that bring a lots of meanings to my life....

I just feel like, wanna be with you ! Forever 16~?

Count down after count down.. finally it is still one hour left! cool man! im gonna turn 17.. 17 is such a significant year.. because it meant that i am adult! haha.. ( cause i can get my driving license)! whatever, driving really makes a guy looks cool!and mature.. especially in a big red Porsche! ( but i prefer Hummer! big and secure xD)

OH YEA.. REFLEKSI KENDIRI again! i only hate to do it during the stupid KH class! lolx...
hmmm.. 16 years sounds like kid but 17 years sounds like you are required to be responsible for the things you have done because you have GROWN UP! wow! GROWN UP is such a phrase that gonna burden me!!! watever.. i still wanna grow up, just now grow old.. hehe...

OH GOSH! 40 minutes left.. Facebook stole my 10 minutes.. hehe..

erm.. 16 is a meaningful age for me as i think i have re-branded myself.. erm.. i dunnoe in what way, but it was not the same.. lolx...the way i think, the way i do things, the way i have fun.. okey.. maybe it doesnt look like a 16 boy, but ,hey its my STYLE! xD

haha.. To my friends, really like you guys coz you guys really make my 16 years old more meaningful. Lol.. especially those who help me up in my difficult time.. the one who is willing to wait me until 7 something ...T.T the one who helps me up to search for my name tag.. the one who always being nice to me and respect me.. the one who always take me as the best listener.. the one who always disturb me.. the one who always comforting me.. the one who always do nothing but i always know that she will do something when i need .. and also those, done nothing but you just lighted up my life.. lolx....
when im old and my grandchildren get a chance to read this blog, they will definitely ask.. who is the one? hmm... maybe i cant remember too! so you guys must remember it!

There are still 25 minutes to go ....
i have been to Japan in my 16..
i have been to Terengganu in my 16..
i have been to Pontian in my 16...
i have been to KL in my 16...
i have been to Melaka in my 16..
i have been to Hatyai in my 16...
I have been to Kuantan in my 16...

oh yea, there are many places which have my 16-year-old footprints!!!

they will left a deep mark in my heart, 16 never dies!

Memories

Today is a special day for me...
according to the chinese calendar, i am officially 18. wow.. such an old guy ! xD
haha.. i was so shameless to tell everybody that today is my birthday but they seemed to have no emotion.. haiz.. only he said that wanna boil an egg for me! haha... what a touching action! ( although it was just a stupd joke) lolx...

Different from the other years, i kept repeating to remind people around me my birthday...
maybe it was just for fun but somehow maybe there was sense of fearfulness...

Not being afraid of being forgotten, but i was just worrying that who knows, it will be the last time for us be together~

Form1- there is nobody remember my birthday except 1 or 2..
Form 2- it comes better when someone crosses the road and rushes to buy some fruits for you before you get on the bus!
Form 3-oh yea.. puasa huh.. Laksa trip was nice..
Form 4- a sweet and a warm one but somebody was exam-ing

haha.. to be continue......

Days in Cacoon

Some spend days, some spend weeks, some spend months,
no matter how much time you spent,
still, we just waiting for the moment to break the cocoon..

until the favorable moment, i will penetrate it, to find myself, to see myself, to face the world with the whole new me, leaving the history in the history...

somehow, the days in cocoon will never be the history, it hides in the corner of your mind, popping up every now and then, reminding you, pain is gone...

staying inside the cocoon, darkness overwhelmed my heart. i am lost, easily being drifted by whatever simple failures which beat me mercilessly. Apparently, i am vulnerable , to everything which is not invited that intrudes my life unexpectedly... i it is too dark for me to see the changes undergoing... what reminds me with my presence is the failure.. it bangs me,whenever i fall, whenever i fail...

i wonder, is every single butterfly has undergone this stage? they are just so perfect that one would never relate them with the awful cocoon... or they are too perfect for the cocoon? perhaps..
cocoon always seems to be made for me, a fragile little flower~
can i be myself after my metamorphosis?

it is a doubt...

it will be cleared, when i break my cocoon, walking out with my heads up high, proudly announcing that " its me! a grown up me!"

A guy named ze chen..

1. He is always cheerful but sometimes can be very "windy"
2. He is patient but impatient towards nonsense.
3. You treat him good, he will treat you better.
4. He hates people who are being irresponsible and could be very demanding.
5. He likes silly jokes as long as the jokes do not hurt.
6. He like socializing but shy for times.
7. He does what he thinks is right but he love to have others' ideas.
8. He is not a good decision make but he always makes the final decision.
9. He is tough although he doesnt look so. :)
10. He is braver than anyone can imagine.
11. He is cynical for times where depress but get well soon.
12. He loves friends but hate insincere friends.
13. He loves being envied but hates it at the same time.
14. He likes to chat over msn and facebook and always hope that someone will nudge him.
15. He like friends treating him like boyfriend or girlfriend but he never thinks so.
16. He like asking stupid questions and hoping for a clever answers.
17. He has high expectations on everything.
18. He is over sensitive at critical moments but lose his sensory receptors at most of the times.
19. He like guessing between the relationships between friends especially a boy and a girl. xP
20. He thinks a lot when he does something and always want to be perfect.
21. He like friends tell him what he has done wrong to him but not at the back!
22. He hates friends who lie.
23. He felt disappointed when being betrayed.
24. He like truths but is afraid of them.
25. He shares things with someone but hardly be the same one..
26. He always expected a wrong person to do a designated thing for him.
27. He looks for someone who knows him well but does not really want it happens.
28. He acts arrogant but he is warm.
29. He hate coquettish ladies.

and

30. He does not know himself very much.. haha..

Put the blame on it~

i just realised that what i need was not what i wanted...

what i wanted was not what i needed...

choosing the wrong things, wrong persons, wrong options, wrong ways...

perhaps that i wont do the same things in my exam...

why do people get angry?

it can be as easy as abc...

but can be as difficult as solving add math questions...

however, you would never find a perfect solution to solve it~

you could be mad at yourself,

or mad at others.

or both~ or not at all...

Does PMS only exclusive to girls?

maybe there are also syndromes for boys, for all, including those undergo menopause..

mood swings like a ride on roller coaster...

you just could not control it..

PMS is like phenomenon, enveloped your life...

not only for the first few days..

but anytime anywhere....

making lives miserable like they never did...

feeling like wanna jump from school building?

taking extra panadol and enjoying your afterlife?

banging your head against the concrete walls?

stop blaming yourself..

maybe you are one of the victim of PMS!

just find something to blame but never yourself..

blaming others surely make things easier, brighter, wiser, much better....

and the best way for me to expiate my whatever nonsense feelings..

Appreciation~

You would never learn this word unless you have lost something...
As the time goes by, we gain something and of course, we lost something..
while I am tantalized by the new things gained, something seems to be leaving, secretly, unable to be aware of..

I am always told to appreciate the things that i own, but i never see them clearly before I lose them..I would never know their goods, their contributions, their cuteness, unless they are not by my side...

Maybe, it is the path of the life...

unsorted diary.. lolx...

Fire ! Fire! Fire!
There is what my teacher keep insisting in the first month i entered his class...
Few months has passed... But i think whenever I think about this teacher, i wont forget my writing on fire..

The fire alarm rang this morning.. Everybody was no in the "fire" mood at all, dragging their own heavy bodies, heading the school field at snail's pace.. I was running, at first, unexpectedly, rushing to the class to keep my container.. lolx.. After being nagging by my dear fellow, I went down the block, following the crowd to the field...

Sun was scorching hot, burning every cell of mine, mercilessly... I could feel that the melanin in my body is growing , just like the mushroom after the heavy downpour.. lolx... Wearing the super thick blazer, rate of perspiration was high enough to drench my shrits.. TOO SEXY TO BEHOLD...xDD...

Blazer was functionable in this hot day! It was what unexpected.. lol..
Most prefect took off their blazers for the use of blocking the sun ray..
me too, took off my blazer but lend it to a friend..

After few hours of torture, we were allowed to go back to our class... However, during the bio class, i found out that my NAME TAG HAS LOST! shit..
it was my first name tag and i loved it so much~~~~

Hoping someone to accompany to search for my name tag in the field but to no avail. What friends they are? ARGHhh..

Finally, the class was over and I rushed to the field to search my name tag... Alone, I realised that our school field was not that small .. I was too small in the big field..
I didnt know why, a sense of pathos surged through me.. Was it sympathy for myself? Among the verdant grass, i could not find my name tag, but a pair of disgusting socks..
Just as I was about to go back, he catches my attention.. I had never expect anyone will come through this way. I had never expect anyone will come to offer me their helping hands...

Nevertheless, he did.. just in the nick of time...
Honestly, it wasnt that touching but he just came in the right time, surprisingly, the moment that i feel hollow...

Again, if you ask me that am i sensitive?
maybe, it's true.. lolx.. i could be hurt too...
by words or by actions..
i could put up a brave front,
but,
i would rather hate you whenever i want...

and also,
the things that you have done for me,
I would really appreciate..
as long as my memory is fresh...... xD

ChatterBOX

Apparently, i was experiencing the lack of topic to chat.. Topic that aroused me much was always the same..
I find out that what I care so much is only myself.. haha..
whatever topic i was going to ask other is about myself... and i was always the one to answer my questions.. lolx.. super weirdo! wakaka...
but i enjoyed it!

how many days that we left to do so? spending time at the back of class, sitting like we were in kopitiam...

We talked, we laughed. We laughed, then we keep talking..

There is what I like.. Truthfully, the topic doesnt matter..

Once~ it passed through my mind...

it was a dejaru feeling....
but I could not tell...
Time flies and things change...
I dare not to believe there is eternity...
What should be left
What should be lifted...
There is no more boundary...

I wish it was true, sincerely...
but someone told me...
wishes always appear to be hollow,
especially in the wanted moment...

Between the lie and truth,
I would take the one that hurts better...

I like RANKING~

Ranking~
the issue that i hate but i am always eager to know the result...
it is so euphoric when it is revealed
yet like a drug that stirs up your mind, poison your soul, making you be so obsessed..

What is the use of ranking?
1. To find out that who is top on the list.
2. To find out that who is "missing" in the list.

Every time, everywhere, every single person ranks as they like..
Even today you are standing in front at the tuition center with your too-old-to-be-displayed white tee, you are being labeled by the ranks.. SO. ranking is like a shadow, following your every steps, tracking you like a skillful detective...

Ranking is a perfect pastime for the gossip queens and kings too.. Ranking needs sources ( as much as possible), needs discussion ( as long as you could) and critical analysis. It is like an experiment but we do not need a lab to do it. What we need is a big mouth and a caring heart which is always taking great care of the current issue happening around you. ( ranging from one get a boy friend to one change his/her facebook status).

What do we rank ?
1. The most good looking gal/guy
2. The most hardworking student
3. The most coquettish gal/guy
4. The pity gal/guy
5. The overall winner for the categories above..

They sound pretty boring for you but if you really try to make a rank, you would get more and more excited after positioning one after one in the "board". Ranking among friends is indeed a well social activity as you can communicate with your friends and learn to express your ideals well. You might give your very own opinion or realize that someone who is actually having the same thought as yours during the process.(Do it only after checking around and make sure that there is not any delicate flower around). Next, underpinning your hypothesis with your observation. A little hyperbole can actually boost up the storyline and spice it up, resulting some wonderful outcome that you can hardly imagine. Quoting is a nice way too if you know when to put a good quote. ( Start collecting the impressive quote would be a weapon for you).

Next, what should you do if you find out that you are not in the rank?
1. Try to improve your appearance.
2. Be more aggressive
3. Use harsh words at the very moment.
4. Poking someone head out of the blue
5. Releasing atomic bombs to the innocent.
6. Be an active member in group discussions.
7. Be an activist on Facebook.
8. Try to get some WOW-IS-IT-TRUE? stories.
9. Walking to and fro in front in front the panel of judges.
10. Be as emotional as you can exactly like you are having PMS.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION
1. OH MY GOD! I am ranked in the most annoying guy in my class?
Be cool and stay to be annoying. You are actually on the right path to be a the president. You got the talent to give some impacts to the others.

2. GOSH! Am i being discussed?
Relax. the one who is not being discussed is always more anxious than you are.

3. SHIT! I am being mocked!
I felt pity to you. But you already contribute your share to make the world happier. Bless you!

4. Is the rank accurate?
Do you think there is any accurate one around?

oh yea. In a nut shell, ranking is a process towards human civilization. Ranking create something to be the polemic so that your life would not be over monotonous until the suicide thought crop up your mind.

LONG LIVE RANKING!

The one i may want

I have wanted so many things,
They could be abstract or concrete..

But things change before I changed,
I changed and the things changed...
I fall and rose, but they just slipped away
unbeknown...

the one I want is not the one I could reach,
the one I want is not the one I could be,
the one I want is always away from me,
the one I want is in the others hands.

When i think i got it, it shatters my dream~
It looks shiner while it is with him........